Pink Floyd As Relationship Experts?

Ok, if you're not a Pink Floyd fan - and/or haven't listened to the Dark Side Of The Moon album (it's been pointed out to me recently, by the way, how badly I'm dating myself by even using the term "album") - this article may take you a bit more time to get in the groove of.

There's a song on the Dark Side album called "Speak To Me/Breathe." The first verse contains the following lyrics:

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Now, you may be wondering if I've lost my mind, using Pink Floyd as any kind of reference for how you can improve your relationship, but bear with me. What had me even begin to think of this song was a conversation I had with a friend recently about some relationship dynamics they were experiencing. The person was struggling with how to relate to, and be with, the current state of things in what could be a budding relationship without really knowing the "rules of the game." Without certainty about where the other person involved is at about where their relationship is headed, or not, my friend was struggling with how to figure out how to be or what to do without a plan or a sure bead on where the other person "is at."

Now, in any kind of currently "traditional" paradigm, you want to know where you stand... with your partner (if you have one), with your future, with your life plan, with your friends, with your job, etc. If you're like a lot of people, the only surprises you really enjoy are parties, lottery winning, a free car and/or wardrobe, a free trip somewhere great, and - hopefully - an unexpected night of hot sex with your honey. So, to avoid any of the other kind of surprises, you consciously - and more often, unconsciously - try to manipulate, strategize, and "plan" what your future is going to look like. Then, when it doesn't look like it may turn out how you're planning it, you may even then go into trying to adjust variable and control it even more to get it "back on track," right? When you go that route in your relationships, you're likely to have a rough time. This is where Pink Floyd was really onto something in 1973.

When things are starting to feel rough with your Partner, how often do you start "dealing with it" by breathing? In fact, how often do you even pay attention to consciously breathing? I highly recommend trying it. It will get you in your body more, you'll feel more (yes, including difficult feeling, but also including ecstatic ones), and it can even vastly improve your sex life! However, most of us simply react and go up into our strategic brain when things don't look like they're going to plan.

Some of you pretend you don't care... but you really do. You just choose to hide it or withhold it (and what's really going on for you, to boot). If you really care, you need to communicate that to your partner. If your Partner's pissing you off, or hurting your feelings, you need to let them know you care. The passive-aggressive stoic route is way outdated. One way you can choose to go in that kind of situation and if you are withholding is to check out. So, "leave, but don't leave me" can translate into go inside yourself... check in with your heart, gut, and mind to see what's really triggered your reaction, take responsibility for what's really your stuff, and then come back to your partner and fill them in on how you're taking responsibility for your experience!

The lyric of "Look around, choose your own ground" is all about trying to bring FULL awareness to EVERYTHING going on around and in you. It's about being fully present as much as possible with yourself and your partner. If you're not, the ground you choose (i.e., how you're likely to respond) is more likely than not to be distorted and full of projections. Choose what's true for, and in, you... and, then communicate just that... not what you've already decided is true for your Partner.

The rest of the lyrics, to me, speak to the critical skill of recognizing that you (and your Partner) are neither your thoughts nor your opinions (and even perceptions, a lot of the time). To make a relationship work solely from the mind is certainly doable... but, watching paint dry is likely to be vastly more entertaining. To have a really juicy, vibrant, and dynamic relationship (or even life), I suggest you'll do well to pay more attention to what your body tells you and knows... through all five senses and through all your feelings... they're a much better reference point, in my experience. Your body cannot lie to you, no matter what. Your mind? That's a whole 'nother story.

Notice how much you're trying to manage your life and your key relationships to some plan (which you're never going to have a 100% guarantee of working out, no matter how hard you try), and try even a few days of ditching the plan... see how much more present to yourself and your partner you really are... and enjoy the moments more, rather than experiencing moments as benchmark measurements to gauge how well THE PLAN's going.

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Stinginess, Jealousy and Unfaithfulness and the Need for Control Harm Your Relationships

Denying traits, emotions and behaviors and projecting them onto your partner sabotages your relationships. As long as you are not aware of this being the case you will continue harm your relationships time and again. Becoming aware is therefore the key to change.

Here are three examples of the damage denials and projections cause to the relationship.

Meanness & stinginess

Example

Monica and Warren have been dating for three months already and he hasn't yet invited her for a weekend away. To make things worse, sometimes, when they go to a movie or out for dinner, he suggests that she pays a part of what they spend together. Does he have no shame? Shouldn't he be paying for her? What kind of man doesn't pay for his girlfriend?

Explanation

Monica is convinced that she isn't stingy. She simply thinks that the man should pay for everything. She's angry with Warren because he doesn't agree with her.

Analysis

When you don't accept a trait in yourself, like stinginess, for example, you're liable to accuse your partner and get angry at him/her for being "tainted" with stinginess. You might even resort to justifying yourself by stating socially-accepted codes of behavior (such as: "a man should always pay").

Unconscious thoughts of jealousy and unfaithfulness

Example

Harold accuses Susan of cheating on him. And if she isn't being unfaithful, he knows that she has "thoughts" about his friend Art. When Susan gets home late, Harold immediately claims that she must have met Art or someone else.

No matter how much Susan tells him that it is absolutely not true, that she loves him and doesn't want anyone else; that he should know that she's faithful to him - nothing helps. Harold is insistent: if she isn't cheating on him, what other reasons could there be to come home late?

Explanation

Harold is projecting his own wishful thinking on to Susan. Although he perceives cheating as immoral behavior, he feels attracted to other women, but denies his desires and projects them onto Susan.

Analysis

When you have a desire to cheat which you don't accept in yourself, you're liable to project it onto your partners. In fact you're saying: "I'm free of these desires. I don't want to be unfaithful, but you are not free of them". You suspect your partner of cheating; you lose your faith in him/her, and you see any unusual behavior (such as arriving late for a date or staying late at work) as an indication that he/she is being unfaithful. You're also sure that you are right and you are not ready to accept any expression of innocence.

An unconscious need for control

Example

Bill is sick and tired of Evelyn's need to control him! He's fed up with her instructions! He can't stand her telling him what to do any more! Some time away from her wouldn't hurt him. Why did he ever get into such a relationship in the first place, while all he wanted was someone calm and serene?

Analysis

When you're not aware of your need for control, you're liable to perceive yourself as flexible and compromising. At the same time, you're liable to interpret your partner's behavior - even his/her innocent comments and suggestions - as attempts to control you, and you accuse him/her of being dominating and aggressive.

How do repressions, denials and projections harm your relationships?

When you continually accuse your partner for having traits, emotions, needs and fears that you deny within yourself, get angry with him/her and demand that he/she changes, they are liable to react with anger of their own and accuse you in a similar way. As a result, you're liable to find yourselves in a mix of frustration, arguments, misunderstandings and mutual recriminations, thus sabotaging your relationship. You fight, become alienated and maybe even leave your partner or are left by him/her.

Becoming aware of your denials enables you to stop projecting and developing a satisfying relationship

As you develop Self-Awareness and become aware of your denials and projections enables you to take responsibility for your reactions and behaviors, stop projecting onto your partner and proceed to developing a satisfying and healthy intimacy.

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Please Be Nice to Me - 6 Relationship Tips

One of the first lessons children learn after toddlerhood is to "be nice". They're taught "please" and "thank you", to ask before taking, to wait their turn, and to share. It's a first installment in learning how to be nice to other people. As children mature they're taught more ways to be nice. They're taught to notice other people's feelings - "see how Mary is crying because Tommy took her toy", or, "see how Tommy is crying because he got a booboo; do you remember how it felt when you got a booboo?" They're taught, as they get older still, to anticipate people's feelings - "do you think Aunt Celia will like this card?", or, "remember how much Mommy likes the ocean? Do you think she'll like this dolphin bracelet?"

After years of incremental instruction in being nice to people, that very package of thinking and doing is often a casualty of relationships. I can't tell you how often I hear from partners, "I just want him/her to be nice to me." If asked what made a good week, partners very often say, "S/he was nice to me this week."

So here are six ways to be nice to your partner. It won't necessarily salvage a marriage in its death throes, but it will go a long way to nurture, heal, or repair a relationship that still has a chance.

- Good manners - "please" and "thank you" are just as necessary between adults as between children and adults; and good manners don't become irrelevant just because the relationship is an intimate or long-standing one. Courtesy demonstrates consideration and is a lubricant for all interpersonal interactions. The absence of good manners is often a statement of its own about a lack of caring for the other person.

- Spontaneous simple affection - a touch on the back, a soft stroke of the hair, a hand resting on an arm, hand-holding when walking together, a kiss on the forehead when passing by. These simple gestures carry a powerful message of caring and connection. This is not to be confused with sexual overtures, which are a whole different category from being nice. When sexual overtures are the only gestures of affection, partners often reject them out of hand. Partners generally need to be treated nicely and with affection before they can be responsive sexually.

- Thoughtful gestures - "can I get you anything while I'm up?'; "I made you a cup of tea" (especially when brought to the recipient in another room or part of the house); bringing something favored home from the grocery store ("Look, they had those apples you like so much!"). "Thoughtful" carries the clear implication that one partner was thinking, with kindness, of the other.

- Noticing and addressing emotional states - directing your attention to your partner with the intention of assessing how s/he is feeling, and then expressing what you've observed - "You look tired, honey," or "You seem really excited about this project." Noticing carries the message that one partner is significant to the other. This one leads us directly to the next tip à

- Inquiry - either to make an assessment or to pursue one, ask your partner questions. "So, tell me about this new project." Or "How are you doing with this new work schedule?" Receiving an inquiry from someone who matters to you is experienced as very positive. An inquiry carries the implicit message that you were not only noticed but also cared about.

- Being considerate - be as considerate of this person whom you've known intimately and at length as you would be of a relative stranger or a guest. Don't bang around late at night when your partner/guest is trying to sleep; make sure there's milk for the morning coffee; don't hog the remote control; don't interrupt when someone else is talking; etc.

Now, some general reminders and guidance -- these tips apply equally to male and female partners. In our culture we often think of these demonstrations of niceness as being particularly suitable to be received by women. Recent research has clearly demonstrated that men who are the recipients of these kind and thoughtful gestures from their partners are happier in their relationships. Similarly, we think of women typically as being the nurturers in a relationship, but they also need to be the recipients of thoughtful gestures. Niceness needs to happen and to go both ways.

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How to Make Your Man Desire You

So you have been in a relationship for a long time and the passion has cooled down. He no longer looks at you with eyes filled with lust and desire. Your guy would rather sit on the couch with a beer and watch sports than spend a romantic evening with you. Does this sound like your current relationship? If it does, here are some tips on how to make him think about you the way he did when you first met each other.

The first thing you need to realize is that men are generally shallow by nature. Whether they admit it to you or not, your looks are very important to him. A man not only wants to be with a sexy looking woman, he wants other people to see him with a sexy woman. So stroke his ego and make sure you always look your best when you are in public or when the two of you are with friends. If he sees that other men think you are hot, this in turn will make him want you more.

It is important for you to have your own life and hang out with your own friends. If you are always hanging around your man and clinging to him, he will probably start to take you for granted. This could lead to him becoming indifferent about the relationship. He needs his own space as well, so if you are always around, he may resent it and start to pull away.

The key is to make him miss you enough so he really appreciates the time you spend together. Make his interests your own. For example, most men love sports and most women do not. If your man is a sports fanatic, start to watch the games with him and learn the player's names. Even if sports bore you, really make an effort to become knowledgeable about whatever sports he likes best. Watch the games with him and discuss them afterwards. Your man will be very impressed to have a girl who knows about sports. It will be a huge turn-on for him.

Men love public displays of affection. They want to feel loved and desired as much as you do. However, men also like to show off. They get a thrill out of showing other guys what they are getting. So the next time you and your guy are in the midst of a large crowd, surprise him with a deep kiss. He will definitely appreciate it.

Spice up your sex life. Do not let your man get bored in bed. Always keep things new, fresh and interesting. If you always do the same predictable things in bed, you will see your man's sexual desire become less and less. Don't make sex seem like a chore. Find out what his fantasy is and do your best to make it come true. If you keep your man happy and satisfied sexually, he will treat you like a queen.

Every relationship gets a little stale eventually. Follow these steps and you will find that your man will pay more attention to you than he has in a long time.

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5 Romantic Surprises for Your Partner

For many people, surprises may sound really cheesy, but they sure do add more sparks and excitement into any relationship! Not a lot of people are into the habit of giving surprises, yet little did they know that these fire up interest and transform your mundane routines into one-of-a-kind celebrations. Giving out surprises every now and then untangle you and your partner from your day-to-day activities that oftentimes lead you to neglect each other without really intending to.

When this happens, you might end up taking your relationship for granted and leave either of you feeling unappreciated and lonely. But with surprises, you can stop all these on its tracks as they serve as a reminder of how much you really appreciate your partner and also send a message that you will always be there for him or her.

Try out these 5 surprises and witness the rekindling of your relationship flames.

1) Go wild in the kitchen and whip up a delectable dinner for your partner.

At the end of a long, tiring day, you and your better half may no longer be in the mood to make some effort on cooking mouth-watering dishes for supper and just settle for take-outs or microwave-heated leftovers. So there really isn't a better surprise for your partner than a home-made dinner made up of sumptuous entrees, main courses and desserts as she comes home after a long day at work! Make sure that your gastronomic surprise is piping hot and your lover may be eating out of your culinary hands for the next few days or so.

2) Whisk your partner away to a romantic escapade.

If you have no problem with coordinating a gazillion stuff, then planning a surprise vacation for your partner would definitely be a no-brainer for you! Needless to say, arranging a surprise getaway requires you to book flights and hotel accommodations, not to mention reschedule your work as well as your partner's! This may all sound a tad too difficult, but once you see the look of ecstatic incredulity on your partner's face once you show him or her the tickets, it will all be worth it.

3) Do the Kaizen.

Kaizen is the Japanese term for "change for the better" or "improvement". This is a concept that focuses on small changes but big differences and is usually applied to healthcare, games development, business management and engineering. However, you can also do the Kaizen with your relationship by doing small things for your partner! Write your loved one a short poem, do his or her chores, insert some love notes into his or her pockets. These little things will sum up to one humungous pile of happiness and will definitely leave your partner more smitten with your relationship than ever before!

4) Tidy up the nest.

If your partner barely has time to clean up his or her crib, you can surprise him or her by tidying it up all by yourself! Schedule a day when you pack your brooms, mops and dusters, and head over to your lover's abode while he or she is out and about. Do some serious cleaning, fold his or her clothes, arrange the furniture and so on. Once your partner arrives home, he or she would really be glad that you're around and might even ask your hand in marriage right then and there!

5) Put your emotions down in pen.

Our modern times have put the paper and pen on the sidetracks, but this does not hold true for lovers! Nothing spells romantic than a handwritten love letter, poem or a sketch! Your partner will really swoon over by the sight of beautifully crafted masterpiece and will appreciate the effort you've put on it, which will further heighten your romance and intimacy.

Getting into the habit of surprising your partner every once in a while will certainly re-ignite that waning romance! So go ahead and give your relationship that much needed boost now!

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Upgrade to the New Relationship Skills Our Modern World Demands

We've been operating a certain way for a long time now - in our world, in our banks, our corporations, in our governments, every way we can think of - and it seems that what used to work just doesn't work any more. The old structures seem to be falling and crumbling, and people are standing up more and more for freedom every day.

Our world is changing very rapidly, and one consequence is that many of us are in turmoil over relationships that are starting to struggle or are in deep trouble, after working for a long time.

It's because we haven't upgraded our relationship skills to what this changing world of ours actually needs. What we're experiencing is an opportunity to upgrade to a new way of thinking and being, and an invitation to get rid of our old rubbish - the negative, controlling, fearful part of ourselves that has been our second nature for as long as we can remember - so that we don't repeat the mistakes of the past that got us all into this mess in the first place.

This is what the world needs, and it's what our relationships now need as well:

* Authenticity, Honesty & Transparency
* Freedom from Manipulation
* Rebellion against Dictatorship
* A Return to Kindness and Fairness
* An End to War
* Waking up to Injustice
* An End to the Nanny State
* FREEDOM

If your relationship is in any kind of trouble, it will be in response to one or more of the above in your relationship, and it will be coming from you.

Do you want to learn the new relationship skills to heal your marriage or build an incredible one that endures? Start where you are. Observe how you speak to your partner. Look out for your attempts to control him. Watch how you treat him. Be kinder. Be nicer.

Be willing to be vulnerable, to him and with yourself. Be honest with yourself, but be kind to yourself too. Is there anything of the above in your marriage? Would the man you love feel controlled or owned in any way? Is he tired of the same arguments and the same patterns? Does he ever feel he's in trouble with you and might be punished by a cold shoulder, the silent treatment, refusal of sex or affection, or just outright public humiliation by an embarrassing tantrum? Do you manipulate him, either through the unconscious 'womanly wiles' of tears, pouting and whining, or through sneaky attempts to get your own way on something you want?

That's the old way, and it just doesn't work any more. It's time for us to grow up and leave all the tricks behind.

Building a marriage that lasts isn't for the faint of heart. It's not for children or children in woman's bodies who refuse to grow up and be grown ups in a grown up relationship.

To build a better world, we have to face ourselves first. To build a better marriage, we have to do the same. One woman at a time.

Relationships: Wag More, Bark Less (How to Create Instant Change in Your Relationships)

Driving along a few days ago I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car that said... Wag More, Bark Less. Now I know the sticker was talking about dogs, but what if you followed that same advice for your relationships? What if you started looking for men that wagged more and barked less? Or better yet, what if you were the one that wagged more and barked less? Wouldn't your life be so much more fun surrounded by wagging tails instead of barking dogs?

How do you tell if you have a barker in your life? They are actually pretty easy to spot. They are those negative people in your life. They complain about everything. They put you down, they don't support you. They figure the only way to talk to you is to scream and yell. They're miserable and they want you miserable too.

Waggers on the other hand, they see the positive in people and situations. They are all about supporting you and treating you with love and respect. They realize that they don't need to scream to be heard. To them life is a party and they want you to come and join the fun.

So you realize that you're in a relationship with a barker...now what? Well the first rule in animal training is to never reward bad behavior. So when that man of your starts into his barking ways... ignore him. Yes... ignore him. Just let that barking run it's course. Barking back at him won't do you any good. You'll just end up with a sore throat. You have to wait until the barking session is over to try to change the behavior. Then get your man's attention and show him how to be a wagger.

But what if you realize that you're the barker in your relationship? Congratulations, you've just taken the first step to changing your behavior... awareness. Next, decide if you really want to change and then take daily actions like a wagger. Look for the positive in people and situations. Lower your voice. Do something as simple as put a smile on your face. Give someone a compliment. Don't worry about being a better wagger than someone else, just focus on being a better wagger today than you were yesterday. And before you know it... there's no more barking and you're just wagging your way through your life.

Have You Made Your Partner Important Enough in Your Relationship?

A question I get asked so often relates to when there are so many demands on a couple how should they set their priorities.

One such question I received recently went something like this:

"I am a 22 year old lass. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. He loves me a lot and can't live without me, but at some point in time I feel neglected and taken for granted. He has set up his new business very recently. I understand his work and peer pressure and his responsibilities, but many-a-times his 'not giving time to me' attitude hurts me a lot and makes me frustrated. That results in our fights over small issues. What should I do?"

Here are two people doing whatever they can to make a go of it in their relationship with so many things placing demands on their time. For him his business is obviously new which requires many hours to ensure its success. If he's not there then the business could likely fail. So he is fairly likely very stressed and just managing himself from day to day.

The couple have known each other for six years so this is now a long term relationship which I presume has a consideration of marriage and family attached to it. However the lass in this couple is feeling left out and ignored at the cost of the work required to get the business up and running.

So there are a couple of things that could possibly be going on here. Either this issue is reflecting something lacking in she or he that needs to be addressed or something lacking in their relationship that needs to be addressed.

I'll break these down a little further to see if I can make more sense of this.

I hear the lass say she understands her partner's need to focus on his business and the responsibility that starting a new business involves. I also note in a comment this lass makes about "peer pressure" that there's a sense in her that her partner is maybe also spending time with his mates, and maybe, as she sees it, at the expense of her.

This raises for me a whole set of questions about the security of this lass in their relationship aside from what her partner is doing with his time. This might also reflect a lack of confidence in her. If your belief is such that you know that you are worthy of your partner's love then you will have it without having to fight for it.

You see I think how much time we actually spend with our partners is less important than the quality of that time or the underlying feeling of being, despite their work commitments, more important than anything or anyone else. So a couple might be busy with their lives many hours a day, or even be absent with work that takes them far away from their home town altogether, and still have a very deep and meaningful connection with each other. Each of them just knows that they are still the most important person in the life of another wherever they are.

I would also like to say something about what I'm reading into this question regarding where the man in this relationship is at. What I'm presuming here is that he is indeed very busy in his new venture and rightfully needs to spend time to make his business a success. I also read that it's also important for this man to have some out time which he spends with his mates, maybe even instead of with his partner. So I'm wondering given his partner's frustration and hurt that he has not yet decided that his relationship is really important enough that he is able to assure her of his commitment and love regardless of where he is and what he is doing.

My summation of all of this is simply this: In order to have a long lasting and successful relationship you must ensure that no matter where you are or what you are doing your love is unquestionably with your partner every minute of the day. Even more important is that they know it and feel it.

Relationships naturally take time but what I'm talking about here is more about a fundamental connection you have with each other that never dims even when you are miles away from each other or doing something else.

My thinking then for this couple is that they have some things to sort out and it's not just about how many hours he works or how much time he spends with his mates but about their commitment and deep love of each other allowing them both to feel secure in their relationship. If this were truly the case then every spare minute they have would naturally be with each other as this would be where their love for each other replenishes and energizes them.

What Every Partner Wants - Respect, Kindness, and Consideration

Lizzie and Stu had been married for almost 15 years. Overall they'd both describe the marriage as having been a good one. Now, though, Lizzie was feeling hurt and angry.

Lizzie was on the phone with her sister, trying to explain how she was feeling. Alexis immediately started peppering Lizzie with questions, trying to ferret out the reason for Lizzie's unhappiness. "Is it another woman, Liz? Has he started to drink too much? Is he keeping too tight a grip on the purse-strings? After all, you earn as much as he does? Who does he think he is?!"

"Lexie, stop. It's none of those things. He isn't cheating, he doesn't beat me, he isn't cheap or restricting my spending. You know he doesn't drink. He hasn't started holding up 7-11s either. It's not like that."

"Well, what is it then, Lizzie? He sounds like he's still a great guy."

Lizzie sighed. "He is still a great guy, Lexie, at least to everyone else. It's more that he's just not that nice to me anymore. It's nothing huge; it's more an endless series of small unkindnesses and disrespects."

Just then Stu yelled from upstairs. "Lizzie! Do not tell me that you're on the phone again. You know I wanted the car to be all packed before the night was out."

It was his tone as much as his words that set her teeth on edge. This nasty new habit of his of yelling to her, or at her, from across the house felt so disrespectful.

She turned back to the phone in her hand.

"Did you hear that, Lexie? He's just so... rude. He doesn't treat anyone else like this. He's nice to other people, just not to me."

"So why do you think he's acting like this? Is there trouble at work? Is he not feeling well? Is he worried about something?"

Lizzie sighed again.

"I could probably answer 'yes' to all of those questions, Lexie. His back's been bothering him; the company's having a rough year; and we just don't know what's going on with Sam and school. I get that life isn't all a bowl of cherries for him, or us, right now. I don't need him to be Little Mary Sunshine all the time."

"What is it that you want, Lizzie?"

"Lexie, I just want him to be nice to me." Lizzie sighed again and said, "Lexie, thanks for listening. I'd best go help get the car packed before he bites my head off."

Lizzie headed upstairs, where she was met at the top of the stairs by Stu, who promptly said, "It's about time!"

Lizzie found herself grinding her teeth rather than striking back at Stu.

Just then Stu's cell rang and he turned to answer the call.

He was talking to their neighbor, Justin, who was apparently asking to borrow Stu's leaf blower.

"No problem, Justin. Come on over; I'll meet you at the garage. No, now is fine; I have time. No, no, just bring it back whenever you're done with it. No problem at all."

Lizzie couldn't help but think that she'd wandered into a remake of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

When Dr. Jekyll hung up the phone, it was Mr. Hyde who spoke to her. "Move it along, Liz. Did you really need to be talking to your sister when I wanted you to help with the packing?"

Lizzie stared at Stu for a moment in disbelief. "Excuse me. You were just as warm and friendly as could be to Justin, with whom you are at most a casual friend, making it clear that you have plenty of time for him. As soon as you speak to me, your wife, you seem to lose any shred of respect or kindness."

"Liz, you know perfectly well that we're running out of daylight for getting the car packed."

"Stu, this is not about getting the car packed. This is about why you can be the nice Stu I married when you're interacting with anyone else, but you just can't seem to be nice to me."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Liz."

"Look, Stu, you're a good man. I'm just asking for you to treat me with as much consideration and kindness as you would anyone else. Be as considerate of my needs and wishes as you are of Justin's. Is that so much to ask?"

Stu, who really was a good man and who loved Lizzie, could feel the impulse to try to defend himself. But he was also an honest man who recognized that he'd gotten careless and insensitive in his treatment of the person whom he loved most in the world.

He fought down the defensive words and said simply, "I'm sorry, Lizzie."

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Healing After a Failed Relationship Is Possible Only When You Become Aware

If you have a number of failed relationships behind you, it is very likely that you feel wounded, depressed, despaired and lonely. In order to become empowered to develop a healthy and satisfying relationship you first need to heal these wounds. This is possible when you become aware of what it is that makes you fail in the first place.

If you are single and on the dating scene for many years, gotten hurt time and again, you need to heal your wounds before finding and developing a satisfying new relationship. If, on the other hand, you have had a long-term relationship and decided to separate at this point in your life and you wish to begin a new relationship, you might not know how to heal the separation and feel truly "available" for a new intimacy.

The importance of Self-Awareness

Whichever your personal situation is, you might wonder what it will take for you to heal, become empowered and able to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.

This is where Self-Awareness becomes vital and can play a crucial role in your ability to heal and move forward: It is very likely that you - like many others - have failed in your relationships for a number of reasons. Yet, one reason which often plays an enormous part in failed relationships and nonetheless doesn't receive its due attention is the following:

You might not know yourself well enough: you might not be aware of a host of factors, such as needs, fears, unrealistic expectations, messages you internalized at young age from the home and the environment in which you grew up, your belief-system and perception of reality, which exert power over you and control your attitudes and behaviors. Any one of these factors - or a combination of some - might hinder you from developing and maintaining a successful intimacy.

What does becoming aware mean?

Becoming aware means:

* Getting to know and understand yourself better;

* Realizing traits, feelings, attitudes and behaviors you denied and rejected until now, refusing to acknowledge and accept them as part of you;

* It means becoming conscious of the factors which exert power over you and drive you to sabotage your relationships.

As long as you are not aware of the power and damage these factors bring upon you, you will continue walking around wounded, feeling incessantly frustrated, disappointed, disillusioned, angry, desperate and unhappy, without knowing what you should do in order to heal yourself and move forward towards developing a satisfying and healthy relationship.

Awareness and healing are two complementary processes

Awareness and healing are two complementary processes. Through them you get up the courage to be true to yourself; authentic and genuine; connected to your will; acknowledge and accept traits and behaviors you might have denied and rejected within you.

The more you become aware and the more you heal, the more you will strive to increase your awareness and to heal yourself even further. This complementary relationship between awareness and healing will enable you to move forward to developing a successful and healthy intimacy.