One of the first lessons children learn after toddlerhood is to "be nice". They're taught "please" and "thank you", to ask before taking, to wait their turn, and to share. It's a first installment in learning how to be nice to other people. As children mature they're taught more ways to be nice. They're taught to notice other people's feelings - "see how Mary is crying because Tommy took her toy", or, "see how Tommy is crying because he got a booboo; do you remember how it felt when you got a booboo?" They're taught, as they get older still, to anticipate people's feelings - "do you think Aunt Celia will like this card?", or, "remember how much Mommy likes the ocean? Do you think she'll like this dolphin bracelet?"
After years of incremental instruction in being nice to people, that very package of thinking and doing is often a casualty of relationships. I can't tell you how often I hear from partners, "I just want him/her to be nice to me." If asked what made a good week, partners very often say, "S/he was nice to me this week."
So here are six ways to be nice to your partner. It won't necessarily salvage a marriage in its death throes, but it will go a long way to nurture, heal, or repair a relationship that still has a chance.
- Good manners - "please" and "thank you" are just as necessary between adults as between children and adults; and good manners don't become irrelevant just because the relationship is an intimate or long-standing one. Courtesy demonstrates consideration and is a lubricant for all interpersonal interactions. The absence of good manners is often a statement of its own about a lack of caring for the other person.
- Spontaneous simple affection - a touch on the back, a soft stroke of the hair, a hand resting on an arm, hand-holding when walking together, a kiss on the forehead when passing by. These simple gestures carry a powerful message of caring and connection. This is not to be confused with sexual overtures, which are a whole different category from being nice. When sexual overtures are the only gestures of affection, partners often reject them out of hand. Partners generally need to be treated nicely and with affection before they can be responsive sexually.
- Thoughtful gestures - "can I get you anything while I'm up?'; "I made you a cup of tea" (especially when brought to the recipient in another room or part of the house); bringing something favored home from the grocery store ("Look, they had those apples you like so much!"). "Thoughtful" carries the clear implication that one partner was thinking, with kindness, of the other.
- Noticing and addressing emotional states - directing your attention to your partner with the intention of assessing how s/he is feeling, and then expressing what you've observed - "You look tired, honey," or "You seem really excited about this project." Noticing carries the message that one partner is significant to the other. This one leads us directly to the next tip à
- Inquiry - either to make an assessment or to pursue one, ask your partner questions. "So, tell me about this new project." Or "How are you doing with this new work schedule?" Receiving an inquiry from someone who matters to you is experienced as very positive. An inquiry carries the implicit message that you were not only noticed but also cared about.
- Being considerate - be as considerate of this person whom you've known intimately and at length as you would be of a relative stranger or a guest. Don't bang around late at night when your partner/guest is trying to sleep; make sure there's milk for the morning coffee; don't hog the remote control; don't interrupt when someone else is talking; etc.
Now, some general reminders and guidance -- these tips apply equally to male and female partners. In our culture we often think of these demonstrations of niceness as being particularly suitable to be received by women. Recent research has clearly demonstrated that men who are the recipients of these kind and thoughtful gestures from their partners are happier in their relationships. Similarly, we think of women typically as being the nurturers in a relationship, but they also need to be the recipients of thoughtful gestures. Niceness needs to happen and to go both ways.
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